Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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