Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
