i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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