I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize