The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
