why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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