She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
