Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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