margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
40s are totally the cure
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
