you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
