So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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