I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
