I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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