i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
