Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
