There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
