The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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