Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
