I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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