My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
