Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
