It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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