Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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