Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
