2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
