Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
