I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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