Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Betty ford says i'm here all night
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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