I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
