I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
