Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
