I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
