Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
