Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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