two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
