i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
