I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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