pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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