guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
