Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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