i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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