We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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