I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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