Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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