I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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