11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
