is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
