Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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