Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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