guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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