I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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