apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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