Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize