Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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