Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
