remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
