My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
