Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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