My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
