im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
