Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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