She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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